


Earning Your Stripes

by stepquietly



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Crack, Kaner's ridiculous mullet, M/M, Manscaping, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sucks to be you Tazer, Tazer probably regrets everything, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-30
Updated: 2013-06-30
Packaged: 2017-12-16 15:30:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/863612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stepquietly/pseuds/stepquietly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Kaner’s dick wasn’t so hard, and if he weren’t letting Jonny run his fingers through his hideous hair and grab at his ass, Jonny might think he was being fucked with. But from the way he grinds back Kaner seems genuinely into it. Only he’s clearly drawing on his vast repertoire of porn to help enhance the situation. And fuck, that’s the most sadly hilarious thing Jonny’s ever thought about, because now he’s got a hand on Kaner’s ass and he can hear Kaner mutter, “that’s right, just touch me there” in all seriousness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Earning Your Stripes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thefourthvine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefourthvine/gifts).



> This fic was also known as Terrible Sex with Kaner, the Porn Aficionado: The Hard Life of Jonny T.
> 
> Much love to thefourthvine: I did my best to fight the pluperfect!
> 
> Beta-read at the speed of light by MaryIAm. Any errors are my own.

Jonny waits until a few days after the parade to finally make his damn move. He cleans his place – well, he gets his service to come in and clean his place – orders some pizza, half with and half without onions, and invites Kaner over, ostensibly to play some Mario Kart.

He plans everything down to the goddamn ground – they’re gonna eat, drink a little, Jonny’s going to beat Kaner’s ass at the fucking Wii, and then they’re finally going to fuck. It’s fool proof.

Except that when Kaner comes over, he claims he doesn’t really feel like drinking, decides he wants Thai instead of pizza, and manages to win twice at Mario Kart with the fucking weirdass turtle despite all the damn banana peels Jonny gets Yoshi to throw.

So Jonny’s on his feet as he yells “fuck you, Kaner, we’re on for a fucking re-match.” Because he’s not fucking anyone until he puts Kaner in his goddamn place.

“Fine, but it won’t change a thing,” Kaner cackles, and Jonny has to remind himself that he wants to fuck Kaner, so it probably wouldn’t be in his best interests to punch him in his stupid, fat face.

Kaner hits the replay button and they go one more time. This time Jonny abandons any pretence of gentlemanly behaviour and plays dirty, shoves Kaner into the corner of the couch so he can get him out of the range of the Wii. Yoshi fucking finally manages to drive that goddamn turtle off a cliff and gets his ass across the finish line first, and Kaner wheezes with laughter and shoves back while Jonny pumps his fist a couple of times in celebration.

Kaner punches him lightly in the side. “Fuck you, asshole! You cheated!”

“Only room for one winner; don’t blame me for why you’re a loser.” Jonny chirps back, and flush with victory, decides to go all in. He leans across the small space between them and catches Kaner’s mouth with his own.

There’s a hesitant moment where Jonny thinks that maybe things aren’t going to work out here, that maybe Kaner’s going to punch him and leave. And then Kaner suddenly opens his mouth and swipes his tongue over half of Jonny’s face, sucks on his chin a little, and starts making the most god-awful fake-moans Jonny’s ever heard.

He pulls back because that’s a dick move, to taunt him like that. But then this is fucking Kaner and being a dick is kind of his raison d’etre.

But Kaner pulls him back in to suck on his neck, wrestles Jonny over so that the two of them fall back against the cushions. There’s a sharp pain when Kaner bites him, and Jonny has a brief moment of clarity where he realizes that Kaner should _never_ have been allowed to read anything about vampires as Kaner sucks on his bite-mark and rubs his hand over the curve of Jonny’s dick. Jonny humps back, fucks towards Kaner’s fingers. He can feel that Kaner’s cock is hard as it pushes against his hip.

Kaner's still making those weird drawn out groans, sometimes varying it out with these high-pitched huffs while he flings his legs wide so Jonny can settle against him. And if Kaner’s dick wasn’t so hard, and if he weren’t letting Jonny run his fingers through his hideous hair and grab at his ass, Jonny might think he was being fucked with. But from the way he grinds back Kaner seems genuinely into it. Only he’s clearly drawing on his vast repertoire of porn to help enhance the situation. And fuck, that’s the most sadly hilarious thing Jonny’s ever thought about, because now he’s got a hand on Kaner’s ass and he can hear Kaner mutter, “that’s right, just touch me there” in all seriousness.

Jonny’s torn between the urge to keep going and the need to stop so he can give Kaner so much shit for the fact that he wouldn’t eat the pizza but now he’s gonna let Jonny give him an extra topping of sausage.

The whole thing isn’t very good, but it’s also great because fuck it, if Kaner’s this shitty in bed then Jonny can teach him to be better. And that thought gets him there, makes him want to push Kaner around and show him how to kiss, how to fuck. He can _make_ Kaner better; it’s kind of his job description already.

He focuses on how Kaner’s a fucking terrible kisser. He bites Jonny’s tongue accidentally, and he clearly hasn’t learned how to control the amount of suction he uses because Jonny can already feel the soreness of a few hickeys coming in on his neck. But Jonny can fix that.

He grabs Kaner’s face with both hands and holds him still long enough to take control of the kiss. He keeps it sweet and close mouthed for a while, before he digs his fingers into Kaner’s jaw to pop it open a little, lips at his lower lip, and drags his tongue over Kaner’s upper lip slow before he nips at it sharply.

Suddenly everything is that much hotter and Jonny can feel him respond, can feel Kaner start to take little hitching breaths as his fingers dig into Jonny’s shoulders. Jonny leans over to press Kaner back into the couch.

After a while, Kaner starts to copy his movements, clings whenever Jonny moves his lips away, keeps his mouth open and gentle, whimpers when Jonny thumbs at Kaner’s nipple, just scratches at it a little through his shirt.

Jonny starts to think that this might actually work, huffs into the curve of Kaner’s neck as he leans forward to tongue the nubs of Kaner’s collarbones, when Kaner seems to stiffen slightly and start that weird high-pitched porn-moan again.

“Stop it, Kaner!” he snaps out. “Shut up for a bit.”

Kaner moans even louder at that, so he’s either not paying any attention or has decided to be a little shit; both are par for the course. Kaner keeps his eyes closed and thumbs his own nipples now as if completely taken up by how damn good Jonny’s made them feel. That’s both hot and so fucking selfish that Jonny can't decide between fucking him or sitting him down for a lecture on proper sexual protocol.

Fuck it, Jonny thinks, and drops to his knees in front of Kaner, tugs at the elastic band of his boxers. Kaner’s moans ratchet up a notch and Jonny winces.

“Let’s get rid of these, huh?” Jonny perseveres, despite feeling oddly like the sound of bad techno music is going to start up out of nowhere in a minute. He tries to sound sexy and not like he’s about to slap his hand over Kaner’s mouth 'til he can’t make that racket anymore as he whispers, “Let me suck you. You’d like that, right? Let me.”

At that Kaner finally snaps out of whatever weird porn-replay he had on in his head so he can get his ass up. Jonny strips both their shorts and boxers off quick, discards them near their feet, desperate to get Kaner’s cock in his mouth. He turns back and there it is - Kaner's dick.

Kaner’s hard, and it’s almost pretty, thick and flushed as it rises out of a nest of well trimmed curls that look… that look…

“Kaner,” Jonny manages after a moment, “are those fucking racing stripes in your goddamn pubes?!” He really hopes that his voice conveys the level of his horror here because there’s four clean stripes that radiate out on either side of Kaner’s dick and balls, and Jonny just can’t deal with this right now. He can’t.

Clearly Jonny’s hope is in vain because Kaner grins at him, gleeful, before he looks down with the fond expression of a proud parent. “Like it?” He looks back up at Jonny and wiggles his eyebrows.

Jonny stays silent and hopes that the depth of his judgment is evident on his face.

Kaner just laughs at him. “I got rules, man. It’s the same upstairs as down below. I got my business out front and a party in the back.” He hangs his tongue out, as his hands signal his dick before he points his thumbs over his shoulders as he grinds his ass into the sofa.

Jonny has to close his eyes because he cannot see this shit. _He cannot_. He clutches at the brief hope that this is a hallucination brought on by excessive post-cup drinking because if this is really happening then there’s no way to _ever_ justify sleeping with Kaner. And he’s wanted that for long enough to drink himself into excusing the mullet and the general douchery. But this? There’s not enough alcohol in Chicago to excuse whatever the fuck Kaner just told him.

Kaner doesn’t seem to have any idea of the turmoil that seethes in Jonny’s breast, still doing his weird couch-dance thing, or at least doing whatever passes for dancing in Kaner-land. It seems to involve mostly waving his hands about, and once in a while he thrusts his cock out towards Jonny and yells “Boom! That’s right, bitch, got moves!”

Fuck Chicago, there’s not enough alcohol in the fucking _world_.

And then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s a thought in Jonny’s mind, and he knows he’ll regret this but – “I thought you told Saad that everyone has to earn their stripes.”

And Kaner suddenly gets that stupid ecstatic look that normally presages Jonny having to go somewhere and get really fucking wasted while he questions all his life choices that involve this idiot. So Jonny makes an executive decision and shoves the fingers of one hand in Kaner’s mouth, cutting off any words, and gets the other around the heft of Kaner’s cock and angles it so he can swallow it down.

And now Kaner’s noises mostly sound indignant rather than fake. Though it's not long before he gives up trying to communicate his displeasure and licks at Jonny’s fingers, lets the saliva build up in his mouth so Jonny can feel how hot and wet it is.

It all feels really good, like what he pictured when he’d imagined this moment. Kaner’s cock is heavy and thick on his tongue, not huge but a decent mouthful that Jonny can tease at. He swipes his tongue under the head, before he opens his mouth wide and swoops down to the root, swallowing so Kaner can feel his throat flex. He’s showing off and Kaner’s silent while his knees tremble where they’re pressed up against Jonny’s sides.

It’s not long before Kaner makes a few urgent sounds which Jonny takes as his cue to pull his fingers from Kaner’s mouth and tug, wet and slippery, at Kaner’s cock. Kaner groans far more realistically than he’s managed all evening, and thrusts a few times before his muscles tighten up and he spurts all over Jonny’s t-shirt.

Kaner flops back immediately after, his eyes shut.

Jonny pulls his shirt off, careful to avoid getting jizz in his hair, and wipes both his hands and Kaner’s cock. This wakes Kaner up slightly and he shrugs a little.

“Gimme a minute and I’ll take you all the way around the world, baby,” Kaner slurs. Jonny rolls his eyes heavenwards because if this is what Kaner is like in bed, it’s no wonder that he never has any repeat hook-ups. Mystery fucking solved.

“Shut up, Kaner.”

Jonny stands up and surveys Kaner sacked out on the couch in just his t-shirt. Despite everything they’ve done so far, Kaner’s collar is still popped, and Jonny has to remind himself that _this_ is who he signed up to have sex with – shitty porn sounds, stripes down below, fucking mullet and all. Jonny needs his head examined.

Kaner looks like he’s almost asleep, so Jonny makes an executive decision and fetches a bottle of water from the fridge and throws it at him.

“Ow, motherfucker!”

“Shut up, asshole. You’ve got ten minutes to drink that. Then you get your ass up off that couch and come to the bedroom, got it?” Jonny slaps Kaner’s head perhaps slightly harder than he would have normally, but Kaner has it coming with his terrible sex moves and selfish single orgasms.

“Fuck you!” Kaner shoots back, but he obediently opens the bottle and drinks most of it. He nods in thanks at Jonny when he’s done. “I’m gonna hit the head first, yeah? Then I’ll come find you and make you scream my name.” He waves abstractly and wanders off.

Jonny manfully ignores this and heads to his bedroom.

He pulls the bedside drawer open and gets the condoms and the lube out. It stands to reason that since Jonny put up with a lot tonight, he deserves to relax and get fucked on his terms.

He warms the lube up between his hands as he lies back against the bed’s headboard, starts jacking his cock while he pulls his knees up and get a hand in place to tease at his hole. He hasn’t done this in a while so he goes slowly; long slow strokes on his cock while he pets his rim, pushes against it but doesn’t breach.

He lets his breath even out, eyes closed, remembers the weight of Kaner’s dick on his tongue again, and imagines it pushing into him.

He gets one finger in himself and by this point he already has to take a break from stroking himself. He pours more lube and it’s wet and messy but he’s got two fingers in now, and it starts to feel really good. And then it isn’t enough and Jonny pushes a third finger in, just keeping them there in him while he angles to find his prostate.

“Holy fucking shit!” Kaner’s voice makes Jonny’s eyes fly open. “Jesus, Jonny. Look at you! God!” And Jonny meets Kaner’s eyes as he pushes against his prostate and rocks his fingers in and out, lets Kaner stare at him and palm at his still mostly limp dick.

After a while Kaner moves to sit at the foot of the bed so he can watch Jonny’s other hand tease at his balls, stroke just the tip of his cock, the slow motions in counterpoint to the way his fingers are jabbing quick, quick, quick into his ass.

“Yeah, you like that? You take those fingers deep. Shit, Jonny. Yeah, push them in. Pull that cock. God, such a slut. Such a sexy slut for it.” Kaner’s croon sounds like he’s one bow-chikka-wow-wow from saying something along the lines of Jonny begging for it, which might be true but would also really piss Jonny off.

So he tunes out any and all of Kaner’s commentary because Kaner’s sex talk is genuinely terrible enough to ruin this. He grunts a little as his wrist starts to ache, quick jabs at his prostate that have him leak all over his stomach.

Once he judges that he’s open enough, and - after a quick glance - that Kaner’s managed to get his dick on board with the plan, Jonny throws a condom at Kaner’s head and turns over to get on his hands and knees.

“Shit, shit. Yeah. Knew you wanted somma this. You’re gonna take my dick so good, baby,” Kaner mumbles, his attention clearly on getting the condom on. Jonny thinks it’s a good thing he’s facing away from Kaner because he can roll his eyes as much as he wants without having to worry that Kaner might stop.

And then Jonny can feel the blunt head of Kaner’s cock push into him, and he breathes through it slow and careful because it’s been a while since he’s been able to do this. It feels good, not too big, and Kaner presses down over his back, blankets him as he shoves all the way in.

Kaner gently rubs Jonny’s side and says, horrifyingly, “You like that big cock splitting you open? You took it all like a pro.”

Jonny snorts because the opportunity is too good to pass up. “Fuck off, Kaner. I barely felt it. Is it even in me? ” He clenches down, and Kaner’s indignant noise goes suddenly high pitched.

And then it’s _on_. Kaner fucks Jonny as hard as he can, slams into his ass while he yells shit like “You won’t be able to walk, dickbrain. I’m gonna come out your fucking mouth!” And Jonny pushes back at him and clenches down, taunts, “Big talk for such a little man.” Kaner makes a weird growl sound of anger and reaches around to grab Jonny’s cock, jacks him fast and a little rough, and suddenly Jonny’s coming like a freight train.

He collapses forward but obligingly leaves his ass up so Kaner can finish – because Jonny has excellent sexual etiquette unlike _some_ people he could name – and Kaner makes a high-pitched noise before he mumbles something about how tight Jonny is, how Kaner can still feel him milking his cock, slaps Jonny’s ass once, and then hunches and locks all his joints, coming.

Jonny’s pretty tired now, so when Kaner falls over onto him, he just grunts into his pillow and jabs an elbow back.

“Fucker,” Kaner croaks, but doesn’t attempt to retaliate. He strips off the condom and drops it over the side of the bed where Jonny knows it will lie in wait until one of them puts their foot on it.

Kaner pulls at the sheet from under Jonny, and Jonny lifts and rolls until Kaner gets it free. Jonny thinks for a second that Kaner’s going to cover them with it, except Kaner uses the sheet to wipe roughly at Jonny’s ass and his own dick before he flings the sheet over the same side of the bed as the condom.

“That’s right, I fucking took care of you. Plowed your ass _and_ cleaned up. How you like me now? Fucking gentleman,” Kaner informs him, and then turns over, sticks his ass into Jonny’s side and falls asleep.


End file.
